On being… Angry
I started writing my last blog post on procrastination while waiting for some work to be done on my car. Now, as I endure a five-hour (and counting!) delay on a flight, my thoughts have turned to the emotion of anger. In this blog post, I'll discuss why anger exists, what triggers it, and how you can learn to manage your relationship with anger more effectively.
Anger is an incredibly important emotion and essential for society to function. Anger, along with frustration, annoyance, and rage, gets triggered when someone or something breaks our rules for living. These rules are often expressed as "should statements," such as "The airline should have foreseen the issues with my flight earlier" and "They should offer us some food while we wait." Other examples include "He should’ve said thank you when I let his car in" and "She should not take so long to get ready."
The reason anger is helpful to society is that our laws are based on these shared "should statements" that the majority of people agree with. Imagine a world where people didn’t feel angry in response to serious crimes, such as rape or murder. Without anger, the fabric of society would fray, and behavior would descend into anarchy.
So, how do we manage anger when it shows up? The first part of my work involves goal setting. Many people I work with aim to eradicate anger, often due to childhood messages that anger is a "bad" or "negative" emotion. I reflect with clients on the impact of believing they shouldn’t feel angry. Often, this belief leads to internal conflict, self-criticism, and low mood. Therefore, it’s important to set realistic and helpful goals, such as "To respond to my anger in a more acceptable and workable fashion." This might mean walking away from a tense situation or pausing before sending an aggressive message.
Once we have a goal in place, the second step is to understand why we feel angry in a given situation. Reflecting on those "should statements" is crucial here. Writing down these statements when anger is present can be very helpful. Examples might include "They should have given me a pay rise" or "He shouldn’t drive so fast."
Next, we utilize my toolkit for change, the 4-step Change Process, which is based on the Two Minds Concept. This concept considers our brain as having a "Conscious Mind," home to kindness, wisdom, values, and logic, and a "Rooted Mind," where thoughts, feelings, and urges are generated.
The first step of the 4-step Change Process is Focus Reset. This step aims to create distance between the two minds, empowering the Conscious Mind to utilize the rest of the process. Focus Reset helps ground us in our body and environment. Start by pressing your fingertips together to feel pressure in your arms, back, and fingers. Then, notice five things around you to ground yourself in your environment. Finally, take a deep breath, ensuring the out-breath is slightly longer than the in-breath.
Once grounded, we move on to the second step, Self-compassion. This is especially important for anger due to the societal or familial messages received during childhood. The first action in gaining compassion is undertaking a Reframing exercise, the third step of the Change Process. This involves considering situations in a rational, realistic, healthy, and helpful way.
In terms of anger, we reconsider our "should statements." Using our Conscious Mind, we decide whether to keep, tweak, or discard these statements. For example, I might keep my statement "The airline shouldn’t have changed our plane," recognizing my anger is justified. Alternatively, I might tweak it to "I wish…" acknowledging that although there was an alternative path, these things happen. Finally, I might decide to discard a rule imparted in earlier life that no longer fits my current circumstances. This process empowers us to be compassionate.
The last question in Reframing is the 5-minute question: Is there anything we want to do about the situation in the next five minutes? If yes, take immediate action. If no, move to the second part: What can I do instead of ruminating? This leads us to the fourth and final step of the Change Process, Mindful Valued Living.
The goal of Mindful Valued Living is to undertake meaningful activities, such as going for a walk, calling a friend, or reading a book. Consistently engaging in meaningful actions helps us regularly pass our Mirror Test—being able to look in the mirror and stand by our actions—contributing to a content life.
That brings us to the end of this blog post. I’ve reflected on what triggers anger, why it is an important and necessary emotion, and how we can manage it successfully. If you or someone you know is struggling with anger and would like to develop a helpful toolkit, please get in touch.
In the end my flight was delayed for 15 hours before being cancelled!