On being… A trailing spouse

I have been part of, and worked with, the expat community for the past 12 years. In that time a recurring client group within my practice has been the spouses who follow their partners from one location to another. In the expat world, this role is so prevalent that it has been coined "trailing spouse." Indeed I’m a trailing spouse myself, having followed my wife initially to France before relocating to the United States.

In this blog I will delve into the six key issues that trailing spouses commonly encounter and offer practical suggestions to overcome these challenges, helping trailing spouses to embrace their current situation with resilience and adaptability.

1. Personal Sacrifice:

Trailing spouses often find themselves making profound personal sacrifices when embarking on relocations, leaving behind their professional goals and career development. This sacrifice can give rise to complex emotions, primarily grief and resentment.

I begin my work by introducing the "two minds concept," which forms the bedrock of my approach. If you are mindfully reading this blog, you are currently in the realm of your "Conscious Mind" – home to wisdom, kindness, logic and values. Simultaneously, the "Rooted Mind" generates thoughts, feelings and urges. My approach empowers the Conscious Mind by creating a clear separation from the Rooted Mind by utilising the 4-step Change Process, starting with step one, Focus Reset.

In navigating the grieving process, I place an emphasis on the factors of time and self-compassion. Step two of the Change Process, self-compassion, involves enabling trailing spouses to acknowledge and accept their sadness as a genuine and present emotion.

Addressing resentment leads us to step 3 of the Change Process – Reframing. Here, I encourage trailing spouses to connect with their initial motivations for making the move, comprising reasons, needs and desires. Motivations could have ranged from financial benefits to the desire for a new cultural experience or a personal challenge. Crucially, I also prompt trailing spouses to reflect on their motivations for staying in their current circumstances.

2. Family Issues:

The challenges faced by expat families are diverse, encompassing social, financial and cultural stresses. Uncovering the underlying stress-provoking beliefs becomes pivotal. These beliefs manifest as "I worry that..." statements, such as “I worry that our lifestyle will be compromised due to financial constraints”, “I worry that I won’t make connections with new people” or “I worry that I will be isolated”.

The reframing process involves questioning the presence of evidence supporting or contradicting these stories, coupled with enquiring about the helpfulness of believing these narratives. By exploring actionable steps, trailing spouses can regain a sense of agency over their situation.

3. Barriers to Mobility:

Barriers to mobility present a dual challenge: the motivation of the trailing spouse and the lack of support from the partner's employer. Addressing the motivational aspect necessitates a return to the fundamental exploration of the reasons, needs and desires compelling the family to continue living in their new location. The reframing process becomes a powerful tool in offering insightful questions to take ownership of decisions, fostering a sense of agency in navigating the challenges associated with relocation.

Turning to the employer's lack of support, a guiding mantra of my work becomes pertinent: "Change the things you can change, accept the things you can't." Reframing, in this scenario, prompts a consideration of available actions. I encourage trailing spouses to explore actions within their control, such as seeking out their own support networks, identifying work opportunities and engaging in meaningful activities.

4. Work/Life Challenges:

Trailing spouses have to grapple with the complexities of finding and sustaining meaningful employment while navigating a sense of worth in their new environment. The third step of the 4-step Change Process, Reframing, again becomes particularly helpful. We reflect on the evidence surrounding the realities of seeking employment, and if genuine barriers do exist, we explore alternative options like volunteering or starting a business. The exploration of a trailing spouse’s sense of worth involves a pivotal question: "If I believed finding a sense of worth was possible here, what actions would I take?" This query encourages a shift in perspective, propelling trailing spouses towards more constructive actions, even in the face of potential anxiety.

5. Loss of Identity:

A common struggle for trailing spouses is the loss of identity, often stemming from a loss of values-based activities, family and their social networks. To address this reality, a return to the motivations for the relocation is necessary. In my work with trailing spouses facing this loss of identity, I emphasise the importance of fostering self-compassion. Acknowledging that anxiety is a common emotion amid the process of building a new life, I guide individuals to establish specific and achievable goals that contribute to their well-being. Through intentional goal-setting, trailing spouses can actively work towards a meaningful and purposeful life, mitigating the potential pitfalls associated with identity loss.

6. Gender:

Rooted in gender dynamics, the sixth challenge recognises that experiences and issues faced by individuals may vary based on gender. This reality often gives rise to emotions like anger and frustration, particularly when other people or society violate our internal rules, expressed as "should statements." For example "He should have treated me with respect," "She should try to help me," or "They shouldn't make it so hard for expats."

Addressing these emotions involves unlocking self-compassion, especially when confronting anger. Acknowledging that anger is a natural and sometimes necessary emotion is a key step in navigating this situation. This work is vital, as some people are educated to believe that anger is a “bad” emotion. The reframing process encourages a conscious assessment of rules. When contemplating rules, three options emerge: keeping them, tweaking them from "I should" to "I wish," or discarding them altogether. This becomes useful when navigating life in a different country. While holding onto "should statements" is a valid choice, tweaking them to "I wish they would…" may offer a more workable approach. For instance, transitioning from "They should make it easier for me to work" to "I wish they would make it easier for me to work."

In conclusion, this blog has delved into the six key issues faced by trailing spouses, offering a practical approach utilising the 4-step Change Process to navigate, overcome, and ultimately thrive in the face of these obstacles.

If you, or someone you know, is grappling with any of these challenges and is seeking assistance, please don't hesitate to get in touch. I am more than willing to arrange a call and provide support tailored to your specific circumstances.

Take care,

James