On being… An expat
Moving countries brings a multitude of challenges, new experiences, and a rollercoaster of emotions. From exhilaration and excitement to moments of terror and loneliness, the expat journey encompasses a wide range of feelings. If you're reading this article, chances are you're an expat yourself, and this might sound like stating the obvious. However, for those who have never embarked on this adventure, it can be challenging to grasp the full extent of the ups and downs we expats encounter, both literally and metaphorically.
As I write this article, I find myself on the brink of my 12th year as an expat. After spending over a decade in France, my family and I made the move to the United States last year. Relocating from France to the U.S. proved to be a different experience compared to our earlier move from the UK to France. In some respects, it was more straightforward, while in others, it posed new complexities. The shared language undoubtedly made certain practical aspects, like setting up utilities and choosing an internet provider, easier. However, this time around, we were parents, which added a layer of responsibility to our relocation. Unlike our carefree exploration of the local bars and restaurants in France, moving to the U.S. prompted us to think more about schools and neighbourhoods. It also introduced a sense of isolation created by the natural restrictions that comes with childcare.
For fellow parents, you may have experienced the social benefits that come with having children, such as connecting with other parents at school gates or in the park. We were fortunate to discover a welcoming group of parents in the park after school, which played a pivotal role in building our social network.
From a career perspective, my move to France was, ironically, easier compared to my transition to the U.S., thanks to language. Back then, unable to speak French, I quickly identified my unique selling point and became a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist for English speakers. Over the years, I built a thriving private practice in an international city, working with expats from all corners of the globe; spanning academia, arts, industry, and sports. My clients ranged from overwhelmed teenage students to individuals struggling with retirement in the French countryside. I also supported many partners dealing with the challenges of moving for their spouse's career, often navigating the loss of their own careers, along with family and friends.
My move to the U.S. prompted me to contemplate my next career move, leading me to establish my life coaching business, WMA Expat Coaching. My extensive experience with the expat community over 11 years has steered my focus towards being an Expat Coach.
My approach revolves around the concept of the "Rooted Mind" versus the "Conscious Mind." The "Rooted Mind" is the part of our psyche that creates narratives, shaped by our past experiences, upbringing, genetics, and evolution. I urge you to take a moment now to listen to your own "Rooted Mind." Is it providing commentary as you read this article? Perhaps it's telling stories about the future, or it might be quiet at this moment. The "Conscious Mind" is the essence of our being. Housing our kindness, values, wisdom, and logic—the part of you that's reading this article.
My first step is helping expat clients identify their goals for their new life. Recent examples include empowering a client to better manage isolation and post-retirement sadness in France, and aiding another client in building a fresh social network in a new city.
Next, I assist clients in understanding and dismantling the barriers obstructing their path to these goals. These barriers range from practical obstacles, like the geographical challenges of living in the French countryside, to internal barriers, including the stories concocted by the "Rooted Mind." For instance, the anxious city dweller had stories including "I worry that if I attend a social event, no one will talk to me." Meanwhile, my retired client in the countryside harboured stories of "I am no longer needed" and "I have no value.”
I then introduce my clients to the 4-step Change Process, which equips them to make the necessary changes to achieve their goals. Initially, we work on placing the Conscious Mind back in control.
Subsequently, we focus on cultivating self-compassion, recognising that individuals are often harsher on themselves than on others. This can be amplified for expats, as they put pressure on themselves to enjoy their new surroundings. Common refrains I encounter include “I ought to be having fun” and “I should be happy”. This comes from a Rooted Mind story about how they are perceived by family and friends back home. After fostering self-compassion, we dive into the task of reframing the stories forged by the "Rooted Mind.”
Reframing aims to shift perspective and facilitate more effective actions. For instance, with my client in the French countryside, we challenged the story of not being needed by examining the evidence provided by his children, his wife, and the emerging circle of people he was meeting. For my socially anxious client, we questioned whether it was helpful to act in line with the stories created by the "Rooted Mind." We also practiced staying present during conversations, as she often became overly focused on her internal feelings, making it challenging to engage in meaningful exchanges.
In both cases, I encouraged them to envision themselves on an aeroplane, returning to their home countries for the last time. Would they regret not having tried more things? And asking what they could do from that moment forward to minimise potential regrets.
The final step in the Change Process is Mindful Valued Living, designed to reduce rumination and encourage meaningful, value-aligned activities performed mindfully. I employ the Mirror Test tool, where individuals ask themselves, "Can I stand by my actions when I look in the mirror?" This can be done daily, weekly, or monthly. If the answer is "No," it prompts the need for more meaningful actions aligned with one's values; whether it's reading a book, preparing a meal, or exploring new towns.
Being an expat is a unique experience. Belonging to the club that non- members can never fully grasp. It brings highs, but it also carries pressures, stresses, and moments of loneliness and isolation. I hope that some of what I've shared here resonates with your own expat journey.
Thank you for reading.
James